AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH no, nothing's wrong I just promised myself AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH that if this blog post thing got really hard I could just write AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH and it would count for one day, dammit.
…which is obviously just a way to get myself writing something, which will of course result in something else — and maybe it won't be a particularly good something else today. That's also fine. This is a sort of practice, and if there's anything I managed to pick up from kungfu, it's that when you can't do the thing you "meant" to do or "thought" or "expected" to do, you find some other way to practice. There is always practice.
Heck, in taiji you can totally spend an entire hour shifting your weight. Or just standing. (I've done the former, but the latter (zhangzhaung) is physically grueling and hell no I can't do it for an hour! Breathing is practice, if you're doing it correctly and correct-mindedly.
I haven't been able to dive back into my fiction-writing yet, for silly but real reasons; but I will overcome them eventually. And in the meantime, there is still practice to do everywhere. I wrote in two different notebooks today already, not counting my phone. I'm writing this. And while I do it, I'm thinking about writing, and clarity, and what it means to do it and why I do it.
Ahem. So I guess my point is that yes, in kungfu and writing and a lot else I'm sure, sometimes practice does just look like screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH at a wall. Sometimes just showing up, picking up the sword even though you know it's gonna be a travesty of an ugly freaking form today, is what you can do. Practice is doing what you can do.
…man, that feels good today.