It's been a little over a week (actually a Novena; nine days) of BlogPostVember. What have we learned, mind-children?
1. We've learned that its really hard, especially to push "post" once a day; but then again, we strongly suspected it would be, so maybe that doesn't count as learning.
2. We've also learned (again, a thing we "knew", but it's meaningful that now we know it more clearly) that writing this much every day does the opposite of "tiring us out on writing"; contrarily, it's giving me the almost overwhelming urge to write a LOT more, and I'm getting frustrated that I don't have / can't find the time to do it (yet).
3. There's a big lesson about the value of fiction lurking in the mists around this mountain, but I need to climb a little more, maybe get a little colder and more desperate, before I really encounter it. :brr: It's scary!
4. The kinda staggering degree to which my time-management skills were eaten alive and pooped out and buried by this latest long-ass bout of depression is becoming ever more clear. I think it's a good thing and I'm ready to encounter this (though immediately regretting framing that encounter as digging up poop? (p)oops) — but it needs further contemplation, and a careful alchemy of brutal honesty and gentle acceptance, before it's useful. Good thing there's a bunch more days of this left? ::weak laugh::
5. The gap — maybe it's a quantum gap — between knowing things and communicating them is also getting a lot of light shed on it. Forcing myself to stare down that chasm and take a leap over it, however successful, every day, is changing how I see it…and that's a lesson I had hoped to learn, so if it finishes cooking over the next few weeks, that'll be a huge win!
6. This challenge also pretty much eliminates the research phase: I usually take quite a few days to write a post, as I check things out against existing knowledge, and ponder what I'm saying and why…in order to keep up this pace, there's much less of that. I feel like it'll recover itself somewhat, once I'm more used to the pace — maybe once "hitting post" becomes more normal and stops sucking so much energy? But I always found the research phase a) not difficult to do and b) easy to get lost in / stop at / do forever, so it seems like forcibly relegating it to a timebox, even if for now that makes it feel like I can't do it at all really, is another good balancing of things.
7. The act of screaming into a relative void — posting for no-one, or no-one who'll reciprocate — used to bother the shit out of me; but it doesn't seem to anymore, or at least not in this context. (This feels like it'll wind up tied to #3, given more time & clarity.) Maybe that's a defense mechanism against the anxiety caused by "hitting post" — I'm certainly glad for that nobody-cares feeling, more often than not — but also, it's a good exploration of the purpose of sharing, even when the writing itself isn't other-focused. I had a massive realization this week about making space for myself, which maybe I'll manage to put into another post in more detail; but I think some of that knoweldge has definitely been predicated on "writing for me, but also sharing" as a thing I've done literally every day this week.
Sorry I missed yesterday — I did write most of it then, but I passed out from a stressful day before I Hit Post — but I'm back, not giving up; even if the month produces not a damn thing "of value", lessons like the above are still valuable — and thank you, if you're reading this, for coming along for that ride with me! If you have any thoughts you'd like to share, now or in the future, I would absolutely appreciate hearing them (and if you don't, you are still more than welcome to read and to have your thoughts about it…that's kind of one of the wonderful things about this, isn't it? Maybe a Lesson #7.5 is that space to think what you want, and then share what *and if* you feel like, is a wonderful, and maybe too-rare, thing.)